‘I Hate My Fetish’ – Understanding Self-Hatred
It seems like every day that someone sends me an email like ‘I almost want to commit suicide because I have a fetish for ___________’.
Whether it’s for cuckolding, BDSM, fat girls, public sex, a hypnotising fetish, or even dinosaur sex, everyone seems to feel like their fetish is both absolutely horrendous and that there’s also no hope at all. This is not unique to cuckolding.
This means that I get a stupid amount of emails from people who genuinely think that they’re a flawed, defective, useless piece of crap that’s destined for failure and misery. They become very depressed about this, almost to the point of suicide.
Please, please, please stop.
The reason why you feel so absolutely distraught about your fetish is the SAME REASON WHY YOU’RE AROUSED BY IT.
Fetishes form from emotional pain, among other things. This means that the things that you hate the most – your greatest fears, insecurities, or hurtful concepts – are also what arouse you.
It also means that the things that arouse you – your fetishes – are also the things that you hate the most.
Everyone hates their fetish. It’s not just you and your fetish. It’s all fetishes. At least, all of the ones that are caused by emotional pain (see below).
I’ve had emails from people who hate themselves for liking:
- Whipping and spanking others
- Being spanked
- Muscular men
- Fat women
- Sex in public
…and much more. And all of these people have told me how disgusting and appalling their fetish is. I disagree.
It doesn’t matter what the fetish is. Everyone hates their own fetish.
At least, when it’s caused by emotional pain. Because you’re aroused from the things that you hate – and that means that you hate the things that arouse you!
Shame=arousal, and arousal=shame. So the things that you hate the most are also your fetishes. And your fetishes are the things that you hate the most.
This is because emotional pain causes both fetishes and the hatred for your fetish.
How to change your fetish?
To change your fetish, you need to tackle this pain. Tackling this pain means both trying not to be aroused by it, but also trying not to be upset by it. Hating your fetish is what causes it. Shame = arousal. So if you want to be less aroused, be less ashamed. This is just part of the solution, and it’s easily misunderstood, so allow me to explain what this means, and explain what fetishes really mean about you.
Having a cuckold fetish – for example – means you’re particularly hurt by being cheated on, being inferior, being inadequate, being submissive etc.
This doesn’t mean that you ARE inadequate, inferior, and you’re destined to be a submissive male in your real life.
It means the opposite. It means you hate that idea! You hate the idea of being inadequate. You want to be assertive, confident, well-liked, and not cheated on. You want this so much that you fear/hate the idea of being inadequate, which is what causes the fetish. And it’s also what makes you so upset about having this fetish! It’s your worst nightmare!
The pain causes both the fetish and the shame around it. And the pain causes you to want your real life to be the opposite.
In this way, you need to accept that:
- Fetishes are sometimes the complete opposite of what you want in real life.
- Your bedroom desires are completely separate from your real life desires, and there’s no correlation between the two.
- You can live the life you want, even with the most contradictory fetish.
Then, you can also accept that:
- Sexual sadists can be nice, caring people in real life.
- Sexual submissives can be confident and assertive in real life.
- Sexual dominants can be peaceful and agreeable, and want everyone to live in harmony and cooperation in real life.
- People who like being humiliated can be respected and admired in real life.
Your fetish can be the opposite of who you really are. It has nothing to do with your real life.
But don’t do this…
‘Be less ashamed’ doesn’t mean ‘accepting that you’re a weird loser with an awful fetish and no-one will ever like you because you’re a hopeless pervert and this is just your true nature’.
No. That’s not even close.
It means accepting that you’re NOT a ‘weird loser’ or ‘hopeless pervert’ – it’s mostly shame that makes you think you are, and it’s also shame that causes your arousal in the first place. It means accepting that this is the opposite of your ‘true nature’, and that’s why you have it. It means accepting that you’re a normal person, and this normal mechanism has caused a thing that you’re naturally inclined to feel ashamed of, because shame = arousal.
‘Be less ashamed’ also doesn’t mean ‘keep doing something that makes you upset and just accept it because there’s nothing you can do about it’.
No. That’s stupid.
It means tackle the source of the arousal so you have nothing to be ashamed of. In the mean time, tackle the shame too, because that’s part of the source of the arousal. Work on reducing your fetish, and the amount that it upsets you, but NEVER keep doing something that makes you upset!
Self-hatred is ultimately unproductive and unnecessary. But the worst part is that fueling your own self-hatred just increases the emotional pain that causes arousal, and you end up getting much worse: into more extreme fetishes and further away from normal.
Remember, shame=arousal and arousal=shame. Fetishes are caused by pain, and pain causes shame too. So, you hate your fetish more than most people hate your fetish, because you have more pain around the concept.
The reason why you have your fetish is the same reason as why you have shame around it. Changing your fetish means removing the shame too, whether you remove the shame first or it goes away after, it’s an integral part of the process of moving on, and you can’t move on unless you’ve also removed the shame.
- Learning to draw a line between your fetish and real life, between fantasy and reality, between porn and your relationships.
- Learning to accept that your fetish is probably the opposite of the ‘real’ you.
- Learning that it’s probably more common than you think, you just never know when someone else is into it, because it doesn’t affect real life.
- Learning that it only affects your sexual life, and doesn’t mean anything about your real life.
‘But my girlfriend will think much less of me because of my fetish’
Don’t tell her then! It’s totally ok to NOT act on your fetish in your relationship. You’re in charge of your boundaries, and what you find acceptable. And if you’re genuinely hurt by role-playing your fetish, then don’t do it!
You don’t have to act on every sexual desire you have. That wouldn’t be healthy at all. Some of them are best kept for your own personal alone time. Fetishes can easily ruin relationships, if you don’t see eye-to-eye.
Yes, it’s completely possible to be sexually healthy and keep this fetish to yourself. You don’t have to act on every desire you have.
But it’s also not healthy to completely suppress all thoughts about your fetish when you’re alone. Thoughts don’t hurt you. Draw the line in the right place – where you can stop any bad consequences, but not need to constantly fight yourself. Your fetish doesn’t need to affect your real life in any way.
‘But I can’t get aroused any other way’
Then you have a problem! Most of the time, it’s a problem of shame and insecurity, and you can get so deep into your fetish that you lose the arousal to normal things. Try taking a step back, cut down on porn of your fetish by 75-90%, and only masturbate when you’re aroused (not just bored!).
‘But doesn’t everyone hate my fetish? Isn’t it universally shameful?’
Lets take cuckolding as an example. Sure, it’s seen as socially unacceptable, because most people value monogamy, and think it would be weird to have a wife who sleeps with anyone while the husband isn’t allowed. They think that would be unfair, and sometimes even assume the husband must be hating it, but too weak to do anything about it. This ‘weakness’ is shameful, dishonorable, and not ‘right’.
But they don’t feel the pain that you do. They think it’s weird, and they don’t get why someone would like it, but when the assumption of ‘weakness’ is replaced with a realisation that the husband usually has to be very assertive in asking the reluctant wife to do this, and the husband feels great about it, they don’t really care – at least, not nearly as much as you do.
This applies for all fetishes. They don’t feel the same pain that you do. Sure, they’d care if you’re doing weird things that are socially unacceptable. But they care less when they realise it’s all just fantasy.
Fantasy vs Reality
And, it is all just fantasy. Fetishes are caused by emotional pain, when this pain is overcome either by ‘submitting’ to it and learning that it can’t hurt you, or by ‘dominating’ it – acting it onto other people, or otherwise gaining power over it – and learning that it can’t hurt you. Overcoming this pain in either of those ways is validating, and that’s what causes pleasure: gaining power over our pain. Fetishes are about overcoming pain.
But when the pain is real, you don’t overcome it. Instead, it just hurts. And it’s not arousing, because you’re not overcoming anything, you’re just adding to the pain. If you were actually cheated on, right in front of you, it wouldn’t be nearly as arousing as the fantasy of that happening. Cuckolding in real life is only pleasurable if you know that your wife really does love you and won’t leave you for someone else. Otherwise, it’s just as hurtful as you’d expect. You don’t overcome any pain if it’s real.
People with a rape fetish won’t enjoy being raped. They just think they would, because they can find validation from overcoming that pain when it’s a fantasy. But when it’s real, they’re not overcoming pain, they’re adding to it. So, it’s just not arousing in real life. People with an incest fetish don’t actually want to have sex with their real family members. It’s just the concept. People with a fetish for whipping and punishing others don’t want to actually hurt someone without their consent, because that would be real pain, when the pleasure comes from overcoming pain. (People who don’t understand this can often find themselves beginning a self-reinforcing spiral of sexual abuse – using their fetish to try to escape bad feelings, which are only reinforced by acting out their fetish in a non-agreed upon way and thereby making themselves feel bad).
Fetishes are just fantasy. Even when you role-play them in real life, you still know it’s not real.
So, if you’re ashamed because you think that you want to be cheated on in real life – or whatever your fetish may be – rest assured, you don’t want that. You just think you want that, because the fantasy allows you to overcome that pain.
Society would be better off if everyone understood that fetishes are just fantasy, even when they’re acted out in real life – it’s only pleasurable with consent and enjoyment (because that’s more validating!).
It’s all just fantasy. Your sexual desires are not what you want in real life.
Why are there some people that aren’t ashamed?
It’s true. Not everyone hates themselves for their fetish.
Some fetishes aren’t caused by emotional pain.
But usually, this is because these people started out with their boundaries in the right place. They’re able to draw a line between fantasy and reality, between sex and real life. They still likely hate the things that their fetish is about, but they know that their fetish doesn’t affect their real life, and they know it’s just fantasy and not what they really want, so they just don’t care. They don’t think it’s a big deal, and they think websites like this are pointless and stupid. They don’t understand why someone would feel this way.
Your fetish doesn’t affect anything to do with your real life. I once had someone who thought that their submissive fetish meant that they couldn’t be a leader of an organisation because they were submissive. NO!! Your fetish is only related to your BEDROOM life, and it’s often the opposite of the rest of your life! Another man thought that his fetish for sadism and punishment meant that he couldn’t be a nice person, and that he shouldn’t have children. NO!!! It only affects your bedroom life, and it’s the opposite of reality.
As an example, think of a fetish as if it’s a favourite food. A person who’s favourite food is pizza will be a very normal person in every aspect of life, and you’ll only ever realise their food preference if you ate with them. Your favourite food doesn’t have anything to do with your real life. Neither does your fetish. It only affects your sexual life, not the rest of your life.
The pizza-lover won’t gradually start to speak with an Italian accent and call themselves Mario. Neither will the cuckold fetishist start to become inferior to other men. It’s ridiculous to think that.
Shame=arousal and arousal=shame.
Fetishes can be caused by emotional pain. The pain – the things that we hate or fear the most – can be eroticized through fetishes, which turn pain into validating sexual pleasure.
This pain is also what makes you hate your fetish. You fear it or hate it, and the idea of it being your real life is awful to you.
Shame = arousal, and arousal = shame.
The reason you hate your fetish is the same reason you’re aroused by it.
Fetishes can naturally come and go over the course of a lifetime, but you’ll only change your fetish when your hatred also changes. (And by that time, believe it or not, you won’t really care that much anyway).
You can start by applying healthy boundaries and developing a more accurate understanding of fetishes.
Over the course of your life, your fetish may naturally change as your sexual tastes move on to something else. Or you could learn how to speed up the process, and that’s what this site is for.
This is not easy. Which is why I have an email list and lots more on there, for people with a cuckold fetish. This takes work, and effort.
The point of this post is: if you feel suicidal, get help. There is always hope, no matter the reason. Get help, because it’s stupid. It’s just your perspective, combined with your lack of good boundaries and a poor understanding of your fetish’s role in your real life.