Quick recap: the cuckold fetish is caused by ‘subconscious inadequacy’. Also known as Toxic Shame, it refers to a deep-rooted perception of being different, flawed, or not good enough.
Fetishes turn deep-rooted emotional pain into sexual pleasure. Cuckolding creates a scenario which captures this pain of inadequacy perfectly. That’s why it’s pleasurable – the pain is being turned into pleasure.
If you have a cuckold fetish, you have subconscious inadequacy.
If you want to get rid of this fetish, you need to heal the subconscious inadequacy.
To do that, we first need to understand it. That’s what this video is about.
Subconscious inadequacy will effect your life in many ways. This is because it’s a painful thing. We will be driven to find ways to cope.
This will be in the form of escapism, where we are drawn towards distracting ourselves, or what the author John Bradshaw calls ‘Control and Release’- where we try to control it by improving, or release it by giving up and giving in.
Escapism
- Video Games
- TV
- Internet
- Films
- Books
- Intellectualization
- Obsessive Hobbies
- Anything that distracts you from life.
Control
- Dieting/Exercising/Bodybuilding
- Obsession with work, achievement, and career.
- Obsession with earning or keeping money
- Being puritanical – appearing to avoid pleasure
- Needing to be nice*
- Needing approval [usually from women]*
- Focused on keeping a good/clean/tidy/perfect appearance.
- Perfectionism
- ‘Improvement products’: supplements, nootropics, anything you buy to make you ‘better’
- Knowledge, learning, obsession with intelligence
- Anything with the mindset of “If I get this, then i’ll be good enough”
*Then, if you learn that excessive niceness is ‘bad’, purposely trying not to be excessively nice in order to then be ‘good enough’. Or, if you learn that women don’t like neediness, you’ll then go the opposite way in order to be ‘good enough’. It’s all about your perception of what ‘good’ is, and doing everything to appear to be good enough.
Release
- Overeating
- Underachieving and procrastinating
- Irresponsible spending/gambling
- Too much porn/sex/physical indulgence, along with this fetish
- Abusing or being abused; treating others unfairly or letting others treat you unfairly.
- Alcohol/drugs/substance abuse
- Most addictions
- Anything harmful with the mindset of “Screw it, I don’t care”.
This fetish is a method of release.
Control triggers release and release triggers control!
A lot of the control methods are good things: they’re focused on improvement! Unfortunately, when they’re driven by subconscious inadequacy, they just trigger the release.
My Experience
It’s important to look at examples so you can have a greater understanding of how this works. I was a fairly typical example. I had this fetish too, all those years ago. My subconscious inadequacy was apparent from most of the above symptoms!
Initially, I was a ‘righteous science nerd’: I was obsessed with being ‘right’ about everything. I needed knowledge, and I needed to know EVERYTHING. I subconsciously – not consciously – felt that by learning and increasing my intelligence, I would be less inadequate one day. During the day time, I would read and increase my knowledge, and by evening time I would ‘release’ with a few indulgent drinks – despite not really wanting to – and eating too much. I escaped with TV and a ton of video games.
That’s usually what happens: the controls and releases can occur over a daily fluctuation; spending the daytime controlling and the evening releasing for example. On a larger scale, the controls and releases can fluctuate over different periods of your life.
You can always change the bad things in your life with enough work and willpower. I eventually managed to stop drinking and find some ways to eat less, although it wasn’t easy. Perhaps you have a similar aspect of your life that you managed to change with enough work.
However, unless the subconscious inadequacy is changed, the bad things will just be replaced with something else. Until you address the root cause, nothing really changes.
When I realised that half my life was being taken up by TV and video games, I managed to stop. But without realising it, I replaced these methods of escapism with others; books, internet, and intellectualization.
When I snapped out of my righteousness, I started going to the gym religiously (for 5 years!), becoming obsessed with work and money, and compulsively consuming all the self-help I could find. It’s a good feeling when you’re on the path towards being better. That’s why it’s appealing when you have subconscious inadequacy. 5 years later, I realised nothing had changed inside, and I still felt the compulsion to do more. Even though I was ‘better’, I realised it’s never enough, because it’s not based on anything conscious or rational, it’s based on a subconscious feeling, which doesn’t go away when you change. It’s always there no matter how far you get.
Others don’t go down that controlling path. Some people get more into releasing or escaping until it consumes them!
Whenever you do any of these behaviours, they REINFORCE subconscious inadequacy! They make it worse! It’s one giant downwards spiral that you’re constantly battling against.
The root cause of the cuckold fetish is also the root cause of all this stuff. It’s all driven by subconscious inadequacy. All of this reinforces subconscious inadequacy too, so if we want to heal this, we have to bring our attention towards these control/release/escape behaviours. You don’t necessarily need to change them; some of them are good things! Awareness is all you need for now.
By understanding the subconscious drive behind these behaviours, you can begin to do things simply because you want to, as opposed to some faulty attempt to control, release, or escape, which ends up perpetually repeating itself to no end, and spiralling downwards.
Thankfully, I’m now free from this cycle and have a healthy balance. I still go to the gym, I still read a lot and even watch TV every once in a while, but i’m driven by my enjoyment, not by subconscious inadequacy. I healed that, and now I live a happy life. You can too!!
What to do about it
Awareness is the first step. Take some time to think about the ways in your life in which you control, release, or escape, including in the past.
Awareness is the best thing you can do for now.
Subconscious inadequacy is complex and isn’t healed as simply as by ‘believing you’re good enough’. It’s not conscious, so conscious methods don’t change the subconscious! Other people would suggest positive affirmations, but there isn’t much evidence of success with that. So for now, just try to become aware of your own controlling/releasing/escaping methods.
I’ve been working on a step-by-step guide through this entire process, from learning about this fetish to learning how to change, in a series of videos just like the one above.
It’s going to be pretty awesome and i’m genuinely excited to get it out. The bottleneck with my 1-on-1 coaching was always time; I could only teach so many people at once. Now, through the magic of video, I have condensed it all into these select videos which explain everything, in order, completely.
I’m going to release that shortly. In the mean time, i’ll send out another free video tomorrow or the next day, so make sure to check your emails for that.
Hopefully this has helped you to gain some deeper awareness of your life and what drives your behaviour.
I always say that ‘fetishes are a window to the soul’, and it’s true. Your fetish tells you A LOT about yourself! It goes WAY deeper than just sexual pleasure. This is the core of your being, the subconscious driver of your life.
Now you can break free from this subconscious inadequacy and change your life (and your fetish along with it).
See you in the next video,
Connor